This past year has been literally the most amazing time of my life and also the most trying.
When Ryan and I found out we were pregnant it was a complete shock (obviously not planned). I remember that day like it was yesterday. I woke up extremely tired and not feeling like myself at all. My period was always late so the fact that I was 5 days past due, really didn’t mean much to me. But with how off I felt I decided to take a test. That little line turned the faintest pink hue and immediately I sent a picture to my best friend Tracee. Ryan was patiently waiting on me to finish getting ready so we could have a fun filled day at Universal Studios, that wasn’t happening now. I ran to the store and bought the digital brand and a big gulp of water. Chugged it as I drove, ready to take the next test. The words pregnant flashed on that little window. My life was changed, our life was changed. I couldn’t wait to tell Ryan in person, so I text him a picture of the test. Poor guy. Our plans went from amusement park
to a stroll around the lake, discussing our new future. My emotions were all over the place my entire pregnancy. So much happened throughout those 8 1/2 months. Between my mom moving cross country, moving into one room with Ryan while we figured out our plan, getting engaged, having scares and being diagnosed with ICP. My pregnancy was anything but breezy. I don’t think I ever quite got the chance to enjoy the actual feeling of being pregnant. I definitely had moments, but overall I was just too dizzy from all the change going on around me. Then Hudson came, and my world stopped. All the craziness didn’t matter any more. He mattered and that was all. He was healthy despite being born early. He was beautiful. He was my baby boy. Over the next months I learned how to be a Mother. I had trouble breast feeding, I barely remembered to eat while caring for him, I hardly slept or found time to tend to myself. But I did it. He flourished. He flourished while I found myself sinking into a depression. I talked a bit about my struggle with post partum depression on my previous post. It’s been hard, and some days I cope way better than others. But he’s happy and he doesn’t know that I cry sometimes when he’s napping, and that’s okay. I get compliments all the time about how “happy” he is, or what a great job I am doing because “look at him, always smiling”. Those little things take away the harshness and make it more bearable. I am doing good by him.
My hope for this next year is to just keep going. To continue to gain strength and grow from all my experiences. To not hide behind him, but to stand in front of him and guide him. Hudson James thank you for being so graciously given to me. You are my light and I just adore being your mama.
Happy first birthday Squish. I love you forever.
Until next time,
Beep Beep
Courtney